Communication Mistakes That End Relationships

Did you know that women initiate two out of three divorces?

Recently, I posted a blog about how women fall out of love and I received a lot of emails regarding communication between men and women in relationships. Men and women do communicate differently; at times these differences can cause a breakdown between the psychological and emotional closeness between two people. Studies have shown that women are better at emotional and social communicating because they use and think with both sides of their brain at the same time. While, men use only one side of the brain at a time. What does that mean? Women talk a lot! Men… well not as much, but we both feel!

Understanding each others languages

Let’s face facts, women ask a lot of questions and men don’t. Why? Women use questions and communication as way to feel emotionally connected, to discover/process feelings and to increase intimacy. Men normally withdraw and contain their emotions. They don’t attach words to emotions the same way women do. It requires a mental shift for them and they have to change focus to communicate their feelings.  Especially, when they struggle with being open and vulnerable because they may be considered less manly.  Studies show that men are three-quarters of all the suicide victims because men have measurably lower access to social support. Men are more likely to suffer internally, through addiction, or physical violence.

Why is that a problem? Emotional closeness is the only thing left in today’s society to keep women invested in a relationship or marriage.  The BIGGEST MISTAKE that MEN MAKE, is they begin to neglect attention, time and communication with their partner. They are guilty of taking their relationships for granted; especially, if they are married with children. They tend to think that things will work themselves out, that their wives wouldn’t leave and break up their family. Then things don’t fix themselves, she loses hope, and as the emotional closeness starts to disengage;  she begins to fall out of love.

What women need to know about men….

Men are more physical than verbal when expressing their emotions. Women tend to overlook these things. A man may not always say, “I love you.” It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t. Men are simply are not designed to articulate emotions the same way women do. Oddly enough, men don’t always understand their own feelings because they are confusing and they often seem contradicting to one another. They don’t process their feelings the same way women do because from an early age they are taught not to. 

The BIGGEST MISTAKE WOMEN make is that they do not express emotions directly and are overly critical. Women need to be direct with men with their needs and wants. Men do not always know how to react to feelings, yours or their own. They fix and find solutions. They don’t process emotions the same way as women because they don’t internalize them the same way.

Men perceive women better when they are more relaxed, cheerful, calm and positive. Men tune women out when they comes off as negative, full of drama and nag about everything. Especially, if she is going from one topic to the next and never actually addresses the issue.  Women over time get frustrated because it appears that he doesn’t care. It isn’t that he doesn’t necessarily care, he just mentally and literally cannot stay engaged.  (see below for better ways to communicate)

What men need to know about women….

When women say “We need to talk,”  they’re wanting to express their feelings, it isn’t always about scolding or initiating an argument. In fact, most women at some point will stop communicating when they feel like their voice is unheard or if it tends to end in confrontation. As a way to feel closer, women will want to express what is on their mind and how they’re feeling.  Women also, show concern and affection by communication. The problem is, we (women) tend to go on forever and do not always approach expressing our feelings correctly!

Women want more details (the why’s) and men want efficiency. Women want to know why you love them, for every little reason…not just how much. They want to know why they are beautiful not just that they are. They want to be shown and told why they’re appreciated, not just told they are. Women want to feel like men are involved with their life and their daily mundane routine. Women use communication for connection, security and reassurance. Saying, “I love you,” is not a fix all solution.

Communicate being open-minded, non-judgmental, honest and sincere.

Women often feel like they have to pry information out of men. They ask a ton of questions… seeking affirmation, support, security because they internalize a lot….  Many more emotions and concerns that do not normally cross a man’s mind. Men should try to understand that she is seeking and asking questions because something is missing. 

Women should understand that because men do not process feelings the same way, that the approach is a must. When a man is just walking through the door or is relaxing; that is not the best time for him to switch gears from mind to heart. A woman should try to approach him calmly and rationally, with a clear idea of what she needs to express. She should let him know, “I’m looking for emotional support,” or “something that needs to be fixed.”

To communicate better with men women need to be honest about whatever insecurities she may be feeling. He may not realize that he isn’t complimenting you, or spending enough time with you, that you don’t feel supported in a way that is missing for you.

Women tend to make everything more dramatic than it is, in the world and opinion of a man. Women are horrible about blaming men for problems they have no idea about because women don’t always express feeling directly and open.  Women build resentment and frustrations because of the lack of communication and connection they feel; never realizing that they’re not expressing themselves in the right manner. 

An example is a man tells his wife he will be going to have a man’s night. Instead of telling him, she feels left out because they haven’t done anything alone together in a while and when he has time she doesn’t feel like she is a priority or important. She doesn’t say anything or says okay to him having his guys night and resentment and hurt feelings began to ignite. A few more scenarios play out and she then blows up on him. To him it’s coming out of nowhere.

When women and men have discussions about addressing or fixing feelings, men tend to see it as a check box. Again, action. Talk about it  and okay… It’s done with now. Women tend to hold on and linger for a while and want to revisit over and over. Again, because some type of emotional support is missing and they are still seeking something.

The biggest MISTAKE A COUPLE can make is not taking the time to understand and to be judgmental of each other’s feelings. Men nor women will express emotions if they don’t feel safe and judged. At the end of the day it all comes down to connection for women. Men seem to fail to understand that women are very emotional creatures.  Her heart, mind, body and soul are all linked together. Women fail to realize that men are not as emotionally complex and are simpler in terms of expressing their feelings. Regardless if you are in a new or old relationship; communication and of course, actions will be the deciding factors on whether or not a relationship will truly last.

Bonds and connections are made and are just as easily broken. Relationships require work, attention, support, encouragement, understanding, acceptance and love. 

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