Being an emotionally guarded woman is difficult and I struggle with being openly vulnerable… I don’t think I’m damaged goods but I’m a bit overly complicated, tense, and careful. I have a great confidence and pride in which I carry myself; from a distance I’m told by people how beautiful, strong and smart I am. But only those close to me know how truly broken I am. I do not trust my heart and emotions anymore and over the years my mind has built a very strong and tall wall; as a way to protect what I have somehow glued back together. Stone by stone was added to it each time I was deeply hurt or betrayed and with each and every terrifying trauma I have experienced.
I’m anything, but invincible. I have been hurt so deeply before that it has left me breathless. I’m not just talking about having my heart-broken by a man either. I’m talking about experiences that left permanent emotional scars on me. Things like abandonment, sexual abuse, and death of a child. I have lost parts of me along the way that are irreplaceable and I’m beyond terrified to experience anything close to those things again.
I wrestle with my mind nonstop and to the point of exhaustion. I simply do not know how to trust anyone. I see and notice every action that a person around me makes because I definitely do not trust words either. Words…. They can be such a disappointment coming out of someone’s mouth so sweetly, promising things they won’t keep. Words are nothing but sounds lost in the wind, when actions do not back them up to provide security, stability and consistence.
It has been necessary for me to build this wall as a way to continue going each day. The thing is, I have kept myself hidden for so long that I struggle with exposing any emotions at all sometimes and come across cold-hearted to people. When in fact, I care and it’s really the other way around because I care a lot more than I have the ability to show sometimes. I cry…. a lot, way more than I would like to admit to anyone reading this post and the outer world.
I am not only hard on other people but myself as well. I can be very self-critical for allowing things to happen when I know better. I beat myself up for days, weeks, months in my mind; over and over again when I allow myself to make careless choices for temporary fixes because I don’t know how to let anyone in and be that close to me.
I have reached a point in my life where I no longer want to be alone and I have no idea how to turn my mind off and lower my guard enough to allow it to happen. I don’t really know how to do anything half-way, when I’m committed to something; I give it everything I have. I’ve become too independent because I stop needing people a long time ago. I stopped allowing people to hurt and disappointment me. As a result, it has hardened me on the outside, but on the inside I feel very much broken. Everything I have been through has had a tremendous effect on me. By nature I am a forgiving person, honest, direct and optimistic. I believe in positive thoughts and that our choices will ultimately be the reason why we either succeed or don’t. Even with the ability to apply positive thoughts, determination, and the drive to turn my ambitions into a reality. I live my life in fear, each and every day. A fear of being so hurt again that the little bit left inside of me will not be able to make a comeback.
More than anything I want to know how it feels to learn to trust someone, to be able to depend on them, and what it is like to lose control of my thoughts; to feel at complete peace with them. I want to know what real love actually feels like. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to do any of those things. I don’t know how to relax around a man and each time I have tried; he has failed. I don’t know what it feels like for a man to offer that kind of emotional support, or anyone for that matter. I don’t know what it is like, to not feel alone. I hope to one day learn these things and to know what it is like to have someone there for me in a moment of need. To know what it feels like to be loved by the right kind of man. I want to know if a man can just simply hold me without any type of sexual expectation of me when I need him to.
I know I am not the only woman who feels this way and has these thoughts. We are our own worst enemy. I guess we need to learn to be braver and face the fear we hide in our hearts. If we are ever going to experience what true love feels like; we are going to have to put ourselves back out there to allow it to happen. Just remember, you are worthy of love. One day our broken and scarred heart will be the greatest and most valued treasure some man will ever possess.