I knew better… But, I done it anyway.

 

 

Have you ever done something and you knew better the entire time, but were hoping they would prove you wrong? In the end they don’t prove you wrong and you are left feeling disappointed and hurt. The ironic thing is, you are more frustrated and upset with yourself because you knew better. So instead, you continue to beat yourself up over the bad choices and emotional turmoil while already forgiving the other person.

I continued to see a guy for months, knowing that things were not going to end the way I was hoping they would. I knew I should have stopped seeing him, developing feelings towards him, sleeping with him and yet, I didn’t. We basically had fundamental differences in some areas; that I’m not sure would have ever changed. In his hesitations of wanting more of a serious relationship with me; it left me feeling inadequate, hurt and more self-critical.

The thing is, I forgave him because I mean… we all want, what we want and have different needs. That is just the way it is. However, I was mad at myself because I’m a firm believer on having self-awareness. I seen the inconsistencies and picked up every time he changed the subject or avoided giving an answer to a question. I knew that realistically I and everything I came with, was more than he was prepared to deal with. Nor was it something he could really even begin to process because he never considered it before; it wasn’t something he ever ideally would have wanted.

I didn’t want the comfortableness I had with him, to end. I didn’t want to miss him more than I already had to. To lose the feeling I got when he pulled me closer to him during the night. How nice it was to feel wanted by someone who actually knew the real me. To lose that person who made me laugh and was able to make me naturally relax with such little effort. He was my favorite place to run. I didn’t want to feel lonely, so I let it continue longer then it should have.

I finally ended things between us because I didn’t think he was strong enough to do it himself. I don’t know if he could have ever looked me in the eyes and told me that he didn’t want a future with me because of everything else, not actually me. He loved and cared for me, had good intentions and wanted the best for me. He was worried about hurting me and disappointing me. He didn’t want to become another person on that list. I no longer could take the voice inside my head that was berating me for allowing it to linger on. I had to gain some self-control and do the right thing and not just what was easy.

I felt like he deserved a woman who could give him more than I could. I wished he would have been more selfish. That he would have considered only himself and what he really wanted in his future. I genuinely want him to be happy and want the best for him. It’s a lot of any man who has never been married and doesn’t have any children of his own to consider a future with a woman like me. I can never have more children of my own. I didn’t want him to ever have resentment towards me for something we should have been realistic about instead of ignoring it. I didn’t want the months to turn into a year and still be full of uncertainties.

Even though I am the one who ended it, I still feel horrible. I’m still furious at myself for allowing it to evolve to where it had. I’m mad at myself for feeling unworthy and insecure. It’s so frustrating when you allow yourself to do things when you clearly know, that you will feel horrible for it afterwards. To learn how to gain self-control is actually so difficult. I think we are addicted to misery sometimes because we lack the control and ability to just do, what we know we should do.  At some point we have to be honest with ourselves and gain control to make better choices. 

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