I have not been in the dating scene for some time now and I am not going lie; I’m completely lost! (Not in terms of what I want or what my standards are but, of other people’s expectations) Dating has evolved just like everything else has with time. It turns out that most people no longer know what is considered a date or not anymore. Are we hanging out, going on a date, being casual or am I a friend with benefits? Wait…What! Seriously? Are we supposed to ask, what the status is, or just go with the flow? Well, going with the flow maybe okay with most people but, I have a type A personality and we don’t really go with the flow. While, I know that I am not looking for something serious at the moment. I am looking for someone. Someone with the possibility of more if there were a lot of things right and with a strong connection. However, I am definitely not down for just hooking-up or one night stands. Typically, in my mind that behavior is associated with hangovers and regrets; neither of those things sit well for me. With social networking and apps like Tinder more people are asking; am I dating or not? Here are some questions and insight I have gathered.
Are looks everything and that important?
How cliché of a question right? However, here I am asking myself that very question. As well as, do I measure up for attraction like I need to? Am I too curvy, too short or too tall, stay brunette or go back blonde? While no, I don’t believe appearance is everything but, it definitely helps right? It is hard to deny that in most cases there is visual attraction to some degree that may have helped in the beginning of the dating cycle. However, beautiful or not, appearance will not be the only reason why he decides to stay with you. Connection is truly important. It is possible that we can dismiss our typical “types” because, realistically the emotional connection will determine if you ever move past dating into something serious. At some point things will need to develop deeper than just lust. In my opinion, you need to just click or have that type of connection where you become attracted to the individual and their personality. Successful relationships tend to have physically, intellectually and emotional connections.
Do you go for the a$$hole or the nice guy?
Every woman knows exactly what I mean, when I say the nice guy vs. the a$$hole guy. So the nice guy is attractive but, safe and a little boring. The a$$hole guy of course is attractive, probably sexy, aggressive, and not likely to be very empathic. I think we are more likely to pick the a$$hole over the nice guy if we don’t want something serious. We are more likely to tolerate things we dislike because; we do not emotionally want anything more to develop. The nice guys win if you are looking for something more because, you want to be with someone who is going to make you feel special. At the end of the day for me it is more about who is going to appreciate me, consider me, respect me, and be emotionally available.
Should you consider having a friend with benefits (FWB) or stick with relationships?
With our society becoming very casual and less likely to use titles or want serious commitment; Sex is becoming more and more complicated. By complicated I don’t mean the actual act of having it. FWB is supposed to be the new ideal thing to do. You get to have sex with someone you like and you don’t have to answer to them or be concerned about any other obligations. You know where you stand with each other. When thinking about FWB you need to be sure to define those terms with the other friend. Casual sex is just that… meaning you may not be the only one. Relationships should be more involved and require attention, affection and work. Relationships should mean more than just sex, be monogamous and have commitment. I think it basically, comes down to the individuals and whether or not they are emotionally available.
Do you introduce your child or children and when?
As a mother I find this topic to be very touchy but , here are my thoughts. If you are doing the FWB thing then, absolutely no need to introduce your children. FWB means you have agreed that you are not ready for something serious. Children do better with stability so, it is wise to not introduce them to someone who may only be temporary. Same thing goes with relationships and not rushing the introduction with the children for the same reason, stability. Once a certain amount of time has passed (and I do mean more than a few months) then consider thinking about the right time to slowly involve the other person.
Mistakes you are going to make but, should try to avoid.
Here is the thing; you can know better than to do something and still do it! We should try to avoid forcing a relationship and just let it naturally happen. Avoid bring up the ex and try not to compare them. Don’t ask questions that you are not ready to process or really don’t want him to tell you truth about. Do not question if he is attracted to you or put yourself down. Remember, that most men are not just looking to just get off. Most men out there are looking for the same things that you are. It is really just about waiting to find your right match. The best advice I could give anyone lost in this dating world is to be smart and realistic, have safe sex, define your expectations and don’t settle. Relationships that are successful are built; involve compromising, trust, being open-minded, a lot of communication and hard work.