How many things do you unapologetically admit to others? For some people they can share and tell everything; for others it’s not that simple. Now by share I mean openly and bluntly will tell you their poop habits, sex life (or lack of), and that they don’t feel like showering or washing their hair sometimes. (No kidding… I have had people tell me all about all of those things!) What about the things we are afraid to admit to ourselves and others?
This post to me is about coming to terms with things… I have spent a lot of time learning myself over the last few years. A lot of unhappiness stems from our own beliefs, behaviors, and point of view. For a long time while I was struggling with depression. I felt things deeply, but I didn’t know what the emotions were, how they affected me, and I had no idea that a few of the issues stemmed from my own thoughts. I’m not going to lie; I still struggle with my own thoughts. (That is a confession.) I was scared of admitting a lot of things to myself and until I could learn to do that; things would never change.
This is STILL a major struggle that I fight with on a daily basis. Numbing is when you deaden feelings so that you don’t have to experience the hurt, vulnerabilities or thoughts. By numbing myself… I didn’t have to feel, I didn’t need a sense of belonging, I had little empathy, and I didn’t have to process what anything meant. Learning to feel again… is difficult. It’s harder beyond belief, than most can ever relate to. When you learn your emotions and admit your feelings to yourself; you have to learn to process them. It’s hard to admit that people you care about and love may be toxic to you. It’s hard to admit that people you care about disappoint you. It’s hard to admit that you aren’t okay. It’s hard to admit that you don’t love yourself. Emotions…. my goodness, they are not all rainbows and butterflies.
There is a lot of things I can’t control
Ugh, yes… I’m a control freak. I don’t necessarily want to control others; I want to control things that affect me. Life is so unpredictable! I hate, and I mean really hate, feeling vulnerable! I have a way of seeing things at multiple views and seeing different paths, and different endings. I take action, to affect the outcome of my life. The thing about that is…. Life has a way of changing things in an instant. It’s when everything will no longer be the same as it was before and you have to learn to adapt. Life has done this to me a few times. It’s a scary thought to think that life is constantly moving, that everything you do affects something, and that you end at an undetermined spot. However, I have learned that control is needed and necessary. So is learning and understanding the limits of what you can control and letting go of things you cannot.
Living in the present moment
This is another thing I struggle with daily. As I mentioned, I analyze and overthink things a lot. It’s easy for me to do because I want to control the outcome. Even when there are things I know I can’t control. It’s very difficult for me to be completely absorbed and live in the current moment. I’m too busy thinking about all of the ways things could turn out. What I have learned is to slow down and make myself live in the moment. I learned to appreciate simple joys that for a long time, I simply overlooked.
The difference between alone and lonely
This one took me sometime to understand. There really is a difference between being alone and lonely. I’m okay with being alone and most of the time it doesn’t bother me. Sadly, I almost prefer to be alone. I find a lot of people frustrating because people at times, tend to act before they think.
Anyways… being okay with being alone means feeling comfortable in the silence; with yourself. Loneliness has a way of affecting the way you think and feel. You will find yourself doing things just to avoid solitude and the thoughts that develop while you are there. Loneliness has a way of bringing out our true deep feelings; all the things we hide from ourselves with daily distractions. Loneliness makes you want to avoid yourself. You want to avoid your thoughts of overwhelming negative thoughts, fears, anxiety, insecurities, anger, sadness, anticipation, and whatever else you might feel. By understanding this and acknowledging it, you can begin to fix it.
There was a time I hated changes because I didn’t like the uncertainties that came with it. It is all part of that control problem I have. What I didn’t realize, is that by not accepting changes I was missing out on living my life. Every time you do something over again, it loses it excitement. Every time you continue to do something, you will continue to get the same results. We get so used to living on auto pilot that we miss the opportunities we are given or we are too scared to attempt them. Life is all about the choices we make. We choose to do this or that. Change is the opportunity for better! It is also, the opportunity for worse… which is why it is feared by many others than just me. If we let change control our life, then life is controlling us. I learned that at every day is a new opportunity. To look at the circumstances that are presented and if one single thing could be changed to make things better, to just do it. Time is not unlimited, we will run out. If your life is truly a sum of the experiences we live then we should do the best we can to learn to enjoy the ride.
Mental strength and giving up
There is a difference between being mentally strong and claiming to be mentally strong. Hell… this is probably my biggest fear of admitting. The cringeworthily thought that I could one day give up. Mental strength is something I have learned to acquire. I don’t feel sorry for myself and I take responsibility for my own happiness. I’m not unrealistically positive, but I choose to be more optimistic. I have learned how to be rational and logical when making decisions. I do my best to make decisions with my head and less with my emotions, to be realistic about the realities I’m faced with, and to make the best decision that not only for myself, but for others as well. That sometimes doing the right thing means I will not always come first. I’m mentally strong, but I’m not so tough that things don’t affect me. They absolutely do. I struggle with the fact that I may never have a single person I will ever feel I can depend on. That one day my health, this life, and everything… will be too much for me to face alone. I’m scared that one day; I will simply get too tired of being mentally strong and just stop fighting. That I’ll stop pushing every day and will become a person I despise.
Admitting our fears is difficult. It is even more difficult when you don’t even want to admit them to yourself. Life is full of ups and downs; it’s okay to not be happy all the time. It’s not okay with unpacking and settling in with misery. Our fears, emotions, behaviors, and attitude control us. Gaining awareness of those things is the only way to adjust and overcome things that are holding you back.