Rebuilding After Heartache

You see her and it sucks the air out of your lungs. You watch her find happiness with someone who isn’t you. You wish you could stop caring, but still have so much resentment and pain built up.  You cannot let go of her, but you want to. You know that you still love her, but hate her at the same time. You used to have control of yourself and your emotions; now you only feel lost and broken. Your torn up on the inside, fighting battles with yourself that nobody else knows about. You watch them from a distance trying to understand why.  So many questions left unanswered and the self-crucifixion continues as you compare every insecurity of yourself to him.  You close your eyes and see the life you had together and the happiness you once felt with her, wishing there was a way to go back to that. Once your eyes reopen the reality begins to take over and memories of yesterday wash over your body with rage.  You realize that every promise that was once made is now broken.  She knew every secret, every desire, every fear, want, and scar there was to know about you.  You loved her with every being of your heart and none of that seems to matter now. You are trying to carry on, but each day is a struggle. Your days are an emotional roller coaster ride where your trying to cope with sadness, loneliness, numbness, anger, hurt, resentment, bitterness, betrayal and little relief. Why do they say that men can’t feel pain? At the moment you want to be anything, but strong. Everyday has been miserable and you are tired of feeling the exhaustion of the pain you carry. You don’t want to feel this pain anymore and you’re tired of feeling broken, but you have no idea how to let it all go.

I think most people have experienced some type of heart break that affects us so deeply that it changes everything about who we are; we are more than broken, we’re shattered. How do you let go of all of the pain, disappointments and start over? First you need to understand that every loss must go through a period of time of grievance. Really, it takes a little while to learn to process everything you need to. Often times we look for  distractions to fill the void we feel and those distractions never become meaningful relationships. These distractions will only leave you feeling more alone. As much as it pains us, in order to be able to let go of everything we feel; we have to look back at the entire picture to learn from it. It is easy to be mad at the other person and hate them, but it is difficult to look in the mirror to see what things we need to improve on to better ourselves. Now, when I say look back I’m talking about looking at both of your actions, the things you both done right and wrong.  You have to learn to forgive them and yourself. FORGIVENESS is one of the most difficult things we learn to do, but by not forgiving yourself and them; you are HOLDING on to the pain. It’s easy to play the victim and the blame game when we are feeling bitter. While some of that might be justified it not a healthy way to heal or cope with everything. When you can take some of the responsibility of the unfortunate circumstances, forgiveness becomes slightly easier to do.

Stop holding on to yesterday and embrace today which is followed by tomorrow.  You are not going to find happiness by holding on to the past. You get to have a new beginning for yourself. We get lost in the transactions of the daily shuffles in our life.  Yes our careers, and daily responsibilities that are accompanied by stresses take their tolls and change us. They begin to suck the pleasure out of our life.  This is a chance to rediscover yourself and learn how to go back to finding happiness in simpler things that actually mean something to you. Learn something new, make time for actives that bring you peace and joy, and learn how to put yourself first again.

Don’t look for validation and self-worth in other people. You have to face yourself in the mirror and accept yourself for who you are. If you don’t like something about yourself, then start working on it and change it; for yourself and nobody else. We all have insecurities and that is perfectly normal. It’s important to let go of the allusion in your head of who you think society wants you to be, and just be you.

Understand your emotions. You are going to feel fragile and vulnerable when the time comes to reopen your heart to someone. You will be hesitant and possibly push away people to avoid being re-hurt. When you are able to subside to your emotions you will still be scared. At this point the happiness and joy will slowly replace the doubt. The unsteadiness will be replaced with a natural and unforced comfortableness. Love, joy and happiness will happen again if you open yourself up to allow it again.

We hold on so tightly to a lot of the wrong things in our life. Holding on to a horrible childhood, a person who broke your heart, an experience that was life altering and why? Yes, those struggles will make us stronger if we allow them to. What I mean by that is, accept that what happened in the past, is just that. The past. You can do nothing to change what has already happened. Simply learn from it, grow from it and don’t allow it to make you bitter. Embrace everyday as a chance to start to allow yourself happiness again. Understand that being realistic, having a good attitude and outlook are the best ways to see things clearer.  Set new standards for yourself, expectations, and desires. Take it one day at a time, applying yourself to the things you need. Slowly and with time it will get better.

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